The turds

Lately  I find poop wherever I go, like on top of the air conditioner where I like to sit.  (It's as if it has followed me up there.)  I even found some on top of the car I like to sit on.  The car is in the garage so I can sit there as long as I want and I don't get wet when the water falls from the sky.

I've seen it in beds where I sleep and even near my food.  This poo is getting far to aggressive.  I'm afraid if I spend to much time blogging there will be a poo on the keyboard.  Won't that be a surprise to the next guy who wants to use this laptop!

I'm wondering if other cats are seeing this trend, could it be that poo just likes cats (I can't blame it.) and is therefore following us all around?  Or could it be part of a bigger plan to spy on us with poo drones?  I've heard of this new thing called the CIA or something like that, and they are all drones, or they all have drones.  I'm not sure which.  I still need to work on my English language skills.  I have serarched the web and still I can't find a good Meowglish to English translator online.  Any help would be appreciated.

Bloody Head

When I started blogging, who knew, a cat would have a blog!  So, I ask myself: now what?  There are so may things I could do besides sit around and wait for people to feed me or a mouse to walk by.  (I also sleep alot.)  Well, if I get a chance and I become a pirate my name will be bloody head.  That will be Captain bloody head to you land lubbers.

It's a name that will instill fear into all other pirate-cats.  Probably not as much fear as falling overboard or getting some sea mist on them, but still fear.  I fear no cat but they still try to attack me and I end up with these wounds.  These red badges of courage if you will.   I would go with bloody beard since beards seem popular among pirates but I can't really have a beard.  I could shave the rest of my head and then maybe I would appear to have a beard... now I may be on to something here.  

Now if only those other cats will just keep out of my territory I won't have to get into so many fights.  It makes me mad that they eat into my nap time.

feline warfare (what is this gorilla crap?)

It's so awesome to be able to go outside again I just keep doing it.  I may interrupt my blogging to go outside so don't wait up for me.  It's like catching fish in a barrel.  Some pens are mighty.  What is it these people are talking about?  I can use some English as you can see, but half of the time I don't know what these people are actually trying to say.  I'm not sure they deserve to talk.

The trick with being able to go outside again is that the other cats are also outside and now they need to be informed whose territory this all is here.  I like to sneak up on them in the tall grass but here in the suburbs you can't always find grass, and sometimes they cut it so it's too short anyway.  Mostly I try and catch the other cats while they are pooping.

Pooping is great, but not if you are being hunted.  No one ever poops and then stops to look for an attacker. This is what I like to call feline warfare.  I've heard of gorilla warefare, but really?  This seems weird, look what I found on google:

This can't be right!  feline warfare I say!  It's like I hear people say, roll mossy stones and don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining.  I still don't know what they talk about.  Just remember attack while the enemy is pooping.  

Weird hat syndrome

I was just laying around on the porch  in the early morning and then the dude came in.  He closed the door behind him and put me in a box with a handle on top!  It did have a soft towel and some catnip in it, but I didn't like it at all.  He carried me inside this box to another box with round legs on it and after some time we got out but we were in a different place.  We have done this before, I have been to this place before, but this time was different.

 
I was there a long time.  They gave me food and I got some naps, but there was a lot of talk about "the surgeon".  I just do not think I can put all this in words, have a look for yourself:

Can you believe it?  They did something to make me really sleepy, and then when I woke up I had this weird hat on!  Because I cannot reach my food with this on I thought they were trying to kill me,  but then the guy who put me in the box gave me an even weirder hat:

It took me some time but I managed to kill this one with my feet, and then they put the other hat back on!  Now it is finally off, but all that time they were giving me this liquid to drink that they said was for Pain.  Still all this time and they don't know my name is HITCH!   And that stuff was weird, I felt good when I took that drink but then I could see these odd floating mice and I fell asleep.  Now they are done giving me that sutff and I feel much better.  I feel like I weigh less by my back feet or something and I don't get knocked over when I jump.  I had this odd weight pulling me around form the back and its gone now.  I'm guessing that is what the weird hat did.  I'm just glad I can go out now and it is warm out there.  

The great Escape

They didn't think I could do it, but I got out.  I like to hang out in the cellar because with the dirt floor it is like one giant toilet to dig in.  I found a box that sometimes has drills and wrenches in it and I jumped up on it.  It doesn't dig so I didnt poop on it.  From on top of it though, I can jump up to the window in the cellar, the really old window with the loose window panes.

Eventually I knocked one out and I fit right through!  Now I just ask someone to let me down in the cellar whenever I want to go outside.  I just meow and bang on the window when I want to come back in and they let me in.  I don't think they even realize I was outside.  Outside I pee on everything because I want all the other cats to smell my pee.

Now I'm concerned though because I think it's time for my visit to the "vet" as they keep saying.  It looks like a doctor to me but they always say "vet".  Hmm These guys seem nice but they are always sticking me with a needle or some kind of strange instrument.  It's very exhausting.

I found a box

I love boxes.

The Invisible Intruder

  I jumped to the window bed and I looked all over the yard; I ran down and looked out the downstairs window, I ran to the back door and said a Meewoow, and finally I ran to the front door and someone let me on the porch.  Still I can't see the cat!

  I know there is a cat.  I keep looking at that white fuzzy stuff and I see the feet prints.  This intruder is on my turf, what if this cat comes in and pees near my food?  It must have tracked me by the smell of my turds.  I keep trying to bury them, but the ground inside here is hard and I can't dig into it to cover up my mess.  Sometimes I come back and they are just gone though so my digging must be working so of course I keep it up.  I'm scared of this crazy cat.  I keep running around and looking and it isn't even there, just foot prints.  I'm beginning to think it is invisible.  Can invisible cats walk through walls?  I dont' know what to do, but if this is my last blot post you know what happened?

No!  I did not pee on the laptop; I mean the invisible cat got to me.  This is exhausting.  I am going to sleep.

Cover Yourself

 I know there are other animals out there just trying to track me down.  I can't be alone in this though, so you should make sure you watch your back also.  They can call track you down by the odor of your urine.  That, I think, is how they follow me.  The only thing keeping me alive is my keen ablilty to cover my pee to hide the smell.  It's so much easier when you are outdoors because there is so much avaliable like, dirt, rocks, sticks, dead plants and weeds.  These all make good covers for your pee.  Here inside where they have me trapped I have to be more resourceful.

 For example, when you drop a poop you can try really hard to dig and cover it up even if it is on a ceramic tile (who knows you might get lucky one day).  Otherwise you can just keep moving on and pretend it's not yours.  Just the other day I peed on the floor and decided to grab a magnet off a door and drag it over top of my pee.  The people here figure it out, but I don't think they are predators.  They even give me food, which is nice.  Another trick I love is to go right to the litter box (toilet) and dig there.  I think it works really well even though the poop or pee is actually nowhere near the box.

 These people here are really helping me survive in this regard. Today one of them picked me up when I came in from the porch; I peed on his shirt.  He went right in the other room, took it off, and put on a different shirt just to keep my location conceled from all the other preadators out there that might want to get me.  Although I really have never seen any other animals in the house here, you can never be too safe.  So, remember to be resourceful and find things to cover your tracks with.  I have even found the hair of a barbie doll works well at covering pee.  Trust me.  Hah, I'm a cat and I rhymed!  Meow Meow, beef comes from a cow! Ha!  I hate to stop here when I'm just on a roll but nature is calling!

My Favorite Toilet

Lately I am staring at the door to the porch and it won't open.  Even if I stare at it for a long time and then meow.  Once it did and when I went out it was really cold so I didn't stay long.  The thing is that the porch is my favorite toilet.

Where am I supposed to poop now!

There is this thing in one room that is like a picture but the picture changes.  Once it looked like some cats but when I ran over to it, I could see that it was a picture because the cats were all flat.  There is some guy on that thing and he helps cats.  He is called Jackson Galaxy.  Maybe he knows about all this crazy nonsense that I have to put up with.  He may be the only person that knows about cats I think.

I was sleeping one day and I had a dream about poop (this is really getting crazy).  When I woke up there was a poop next to me!  I just rolled over and went back to sleep, but when I woke up it was not there.  I think I am losing my mind, but I don't remember.  So I want to go to the porch and dig in the poop box but I don't know where the poop went.  I'm going crazy here.

Surprise!

Well, Merry Christmas!  The other night I jumped up to sleep in my new bed and it flipped over!

There's a guy here who is kind of helpful.  He had some loud thing he used to fix it so now it won't flip me over.  That is why I let him stay here in this house.  He does some helpful things sometimes, but on the other hand he does make me take my medicine.  Sometimes I can trick him and spit it out but then he just makes me take it again.

Here it is though, this is what I was talking about with sleeping:

I don't know why people don't sleep like this, it is the best way, especially if you can flip on your back like this.  You definitely have to have your head inverted to get a good sleep, otherwise it's just a cat nap.  There is nothing like some cat nip and a good cat nap but this is the way to sleep.  Its hard to get a good sleep around here because some of the beds are alive.  

If you lay on the beds and sleep long enough the bed starts moving.  When that happens I need to grab it and bite it so I can survive but once I did that and I got knocked right off the bed!  So far this has not happened with my new bed yet.  I think it is some kind of special bed for cats.  I'm going to go try putting my head upside down on it. 

Merry Christmas

There is this weird thing people do I think it happened once before.  They bring a tree inside the house.  (I'm not kidding.)  Then they put lights on the tree and they hang things all over it and one day there are all kids of boxes under the tree.  

This time I got some thing too and it's great for sleeping, check it out:

Which brings up a whole different thing for me.  What is it with people who have these little beds that they put their heads on when they sleep.  I don't need an extra bed for my head.  I just love to sleep and sleeping is great.  It's a great time to pee.  There is sleep and then there is really great sleep.  That is when you lay down and you invert your head.  People never do that either!  I don't know what is wrong with them.  If you want a tree, go outside and if you want to sleep just flip your head upside-down and go to sleep.  

I don't have all these crazy sleeping devices that people use.  They even found boxes under their inside tree that have blankets in them and the blankets connect to the wall.  It is really weird if you ask me, but if you see one of these you need to try it (they are really warm).  Just don't pee on a blanket that connects to the wall, trust me.  

I'm going back to sleep.