The red phantom red dot

It is doing the thing again.  I know this happened once before.  It is when the air is cold, and the water becomes hard and slippery that this always seems to start.  They bring a tree inside and light it up, and then one morning the throw colorful paper all around the room making a big mess (but it is fun to play with).  Then they all have new things.  I got some new treats but I am a little mad about it.  I mean they are just a new bag of the same treats I had before.  How about if someone gets me a live chicken to eat?  Something like that would be more exciting.

Then just at the same time as all this hoopla starts I begin seeing a red dot that moves around the floor quickly.  I notice I hear a slight clicking noise just before I see the red dot.  Then I found the people seem to be directing the dot with a pen.  What a silly game!  Still, as much as I think I know about this, I cannot stop looking at the red dot.  I am beginning to think that this red dot is coming for me and I must stop it before it starts eating my food.  I swear I have stomped my paw right on it at least a few times and as soon as I do it just disappears!  I could have killed it by now if it had been a mouse, but then after I stomp on it I hear a click and the red dot comes back.  I even saw it outside once.

Let me know if this sounds too crazy.  I can't believe that it exists, a dot that I can't kill and moves faster than me.  What kind of magic is this?  I can't wait until it is warm outside again.  I will see if I can prove what this is; I'm telling you it is real.  I will see if I can find a way of getting a picture of it.

Those kids!

They think I'm an odd cat, but it's really them, they're weirdos!  And now I have proof.   I found, believe it or not, that my paws work on the ipad.  on the ipad I found this video evidence of how wacky those kids are!  Check it or man:

more Evidence:

What kind of person does this kind of thing to a cat?  It's insane.  Really is this what Steve Jobs invented that pad thing for?  I need to go get some catnip and calm down!

Insane!!

Cat on the hot asphalt Roof

If only it could have been a tin roof I would have been able to use a much catchier title.  Why does that feel so catchy to me anymeow?  I'm just not sure.  I feel like I've seen that in my web browsing before.  Sometimes you have a bad night and other times you have a really bad night.

I still do not understand how he entrance to the house works.  Sometimes I meow and it opens, sometimes I have to jump and hang on the window to get it to open.  When it is warm out there is a box that sticks out of the window and I have to sit on top of it to get the door to open.  When I'm inside the other side of the box blows cold air in.  Its always more comfortable inside especially since it doesn't rain in there.  Where was I ??  OK the entrance, then there are the times I scratch the entrance and it opens, and there are the bad nights when it just never opens. On those nights I sleep in the place where the cars go or I find some cats to fight with.

Well one night I found this quiet place that I like but then the entrance to another place opened and a big dog came out.  I ran up a tree because dogs can't go up that way.  I just followed the tree and I found out it goes to the top of a house and it was really quiet up there and there were no dogs so I kept going up and up.  Then I went down and down.  ( I heard someone once say what goes up must come down.)  Well I went down and I landed on a flat spot but I could not get back up the way I came down, and it was along way down.  I tried to sleep up there, but it is not very fluffy, and it gets worse when the sun comes up it gets really hot up there.  I meowed and meowed but I think everyone else was sleeping except the other cats.  They must have thought it was funny.  I saw them looking up at me.

Finally someone came out and saw me but they could not reach me.  They are not big enough to reach up there, and I kept meowing.  I heard some noise behind me and saw someone but then they left, they said it was too steep, I guess that was my problem too.  Then this metal thing came up and someone climbed up and grabbed me!  That was a relief until I saw over the edge (Its really far down!) I grabbed on tightly but that person really didn't like that.  I got down and ran away form that place, I don't like being up there.  Man stay away from trees!

Up there, on top of the porch, that's me.

The turds

Lately  I find poop wherever I go, like on top of the air conditioner where I like to sit.  (It's as if it has followed me up there.)  I even found some on top of the car I like to sit on.  The car is in the garage so I can sit there as long as I want and I don't get wet when the water falls from the sky.

I've seen it in beds where I sleep and even near my food.  This poo is getting far to aggressive.  I'm afraid if I spend to much time blogging there will be a poo on the keyboard.  Won't that be a surprise to the next guy who wants to use this laptop!

I'm wondering if other cats are seeing this trend, could it be that poo just likes cats (I can't blame it.) and is therefore following us all around?  Or could it be part of a bigger plan to spy on us with poo drones?  I've heard of this new thing called the CIA or something like that, and they are all drones, or they all have drones.  I'm not sure which.  I still need to work on my English language skills.  I have serarched the web and still I can't find a good Meowglish to English translator online.  Any help would be appreciated.

Bloody Head

When I started blogging, who knew, a cat would have a blog!  So, I ask myself: now what?  There are so may things I could do besides sit around and wait for people to feed me or a mouse to walk by.  (I also sleep alot.)  Well, if I get a chance and I become a pirate my name will be bloody head.  That will be Captain bloody head to you land lubbers.

It's a name that will instill fear into all other pirate-cats.  Probably not as much fear as falling overboard or getting some sea mist on them, but still fear.  I fear no cat but they still try to attack me and I end up with these wounds.  These red badges of courage if you will.   I would go with bloody beard since beards seem popular among pirates but I can't really have a beard.  I could shave the rest of my head and then maybe I would appear to have a beard... now I may be on to something here.  

Now if only those other cats will just keep out of my territory I won't have to get into so many fights.  It makes me mad that they eat into my nap time.

feline warfare (what is this gorilla crap?)

It's so awesome to be able to go outside again I just keep doing it.  I may interrupt my blogging to go outside so don't wait up for me.  It's like catching fish in a barrel.  Some pens are mighty.  What is it these people are talking about?  I can use some English as you can see, but half of the time I don't know what these people are actually trying to say.  I'm not sure they deserve to talk.

The trick with being able to go outside again is that the other cats are also outside and now they need to be informed whose territory this all is here.  I like to sneak up on them in the tall grass but here in the suburbs you can't always find grass, and sometimes they cut it so it's too short anyway.  Mostly I try and catch the other cats while they are pooping.

Pooping is great, but not if you are being hunted.  No one ever poops and then stops to look for an attacker. This is what I like to call feline warfare.  I've heard of gorilla warefare, but really?  This seems weird, look what I found on google:

This can't be right!  feline warfare I say!  It's like I hear people say, roll mossy stones and don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining.  I still don't know what they talk about.  Just remember attack while the enemy is pooping.  

The great Escape

They didn't think I could do it, but I got out.  I like to hang out in the cellar because with the dirt floor it is like one giant toilet to dig in.  I found a box that sometimes has drills and wrenches in it and I jumped up on it.  It doesn't dig so I didnt poop on it.  From on top of it though, I can jump up to the window in the cellar, the really old window with the loose window panes.

Eventually I knocked one out and I fit right through!  Now I just ask someone to let me down in the cellar whenever I want to go outside.  I just meow and bang on the window when I want to come back in and they let me in.  I don't think they even realize I was outside.  Outside I pee on everything because I want all the other cats to smell my pee.

Now I'm concerned though because I think it's time for my visit to the "vet" as they keep saying.  It looks like a doctor to me but they always say "vet".  Hmm These guys seem nice but they are always sticking me with a needle or some kind of strange instrument.  It's very exhausting.

Chopping it off

The other day I got to go outside again.  There is this long string that follows me around now when I am outsde and I have to wear this thing that wraps around me.  I heard someone say it was a harness.  I had a horrible experience with the harness.  The other day, after putting it on the guy carried me into the bathroom and gave me some catnip.  That part was good.  Then after that he lifted me with this thing on and put me in a big vat of water and my feet were all wet!  I kept trying to climb out but the wall was slippery.  Then he dumped water all over me and rubbed me with this gooey stuff.  That stuff smells nice, and I was really clean afterwards, but  all that water was a nightmare!  It was a nightmare!  I had to lick myself for hours after that.

Anymeow, I'm talking about this dr visit.  I overheard them say the Dr was going to "chop it off" and I'm pretty sure they already did some kid of surgery down below.  I woke up from this deep sleep one time and there was definitely something missing, so now I am really worried.  What are they going to cut off next?

At least I have some new food they give me.  I'm really worried about this chopping.  What is happening, I'm a cat, I need these parts.  Oh wait a minute.... I think I smell some catnip.

I found a box

I love boxes.

The Invisible Intruder

  I jumped to the window bed and I looked all over the yard; I ran down and looked out the downstairs window, I ran to the back door and said a Meewoow, and finally I ran to the front door and someone let me on the porch.  Still I can't see the cat!

  I know there is a cat.  I keep looking at that white fuzzy stuff and I see the feet prints.  This intruder is on my turf, what if this cat comes in and pees near my food?  It must have tracked me by the smell of my turds.  I keep trying to bury them, but the ground inside here is hard and I can't dig into it to cover up my mess.  Sometimes I come back and they are just gone though so my digging must be working so of course I keep it up.  I'm scared of this crazy cat.  I keep running around and looking and it isn't even there, just foot prints.  I'm beginning to think it is invisible.  Can invisible cats walk through walls?  I dont' know what to do, but if this is my last blot post you know what happened?

No!  I did not pee on the laptop; I mean the invisible cat got to me.  This is exhausting.  I am going to sleep.

fuzzy white stuff

 There is always this cold air now on the porch and  it is not nice.   Once I saw a bottle smash out there from the ice!  The good thing is there is none of that fuzzy white stuff on the porch.  I walked in that the other day and it was deep and cold.  There is this one person here and she is really nice.  Like when I come in from the porch this guy likes to pick me up, and that is warm to get picked up after you come in form that frozen wind tunnel, but this other person lets me sleep on her lap.

 This other person though, I think she does not like the cold parts either.  The house is much warmer than the porch (I think it is some kind of magic) but she sits in this warm place and still she has blankets.  That is awesome because she lets me sit on the blankets.  The other people just let me sit on my chair or a big thing they sometimes put their feet on.

 This other person, she is nice to let me lay down on the blankets because they are warm.  Sometimes she even lets me go outside.  It is some other kind of magic she has that lets me go outside, but when I run too far I get stopped and when I hide in a bush she can pull me out.  It is nice to get outside, but that fuzzy white stuff really makes walking outside cold.  When my feet sink into it there is this hard clear stuff at the bottom that is really cold and slippery.  I did not see any mice either; I think they also do not like the white stuff that is all over the ground.  I have seen the smaller people they are like the kittens of people, and they squeeze the white stuff and then throw it.  I got hit once; it was not fun.

Cover Yourself

 I know there are other animals out there just trying to track me down.  I can't be alone in this though, so you should make sure you watch your back also.  They can call track you down by the odor of your urine.  That, I think, is how they follow me.  The only thing keeping me alive is my keen ablilty to cover my pee to hide the smell.  It's so much easier when you are outdoors because there is so much avaliable like, dirt, rocks, sticks, dead plants and weeds.  These all make good covers for your pee.  Here inside where they have me trapped I have to be more resourceful.

 For example, when you drop a poop you can try really hard to dig and cover it up even if it is on a ceramic tile (who knows you might get lucky one day).  Otherwise you can just keep moving on and pretend it's not yours.  Just the other day I peed on the floor and decided to grab a magnet off a door and drag it over top of my pee.  The people here figure it out, but I don't think they are predators.  They even give me food, which is nice.  Another trick I love is to go right to the litter box (toilet) and dig there.  I think it works really well even though the poop or pee is actually nowhere near the box.

 These people here are really helping me survive in this regard. Today one of them picked me up when I came in from the porch; I peed on his shirt.  He went right in the other room, took it off, and put on a different shirt just to keep my location conceled from all the other preadators out there that might want to get me.  Although I really have never seen any other animals in the house here, you can never be too safe.  So, remember to be resourceful and find things to cover your tracks with.  I have even found the hair of a barbie doll works well at covering pee.  Trust me.  Hah, I'm a cat and I rhymed!  Meow Meow, beef comes from a cow! Ha!  I hate to stop here when I'm just on a roll but nature is calling!

Escape from alcatraz

I know there is a way out.  I see the people go in and out.  I even see cats out there.  They let me out the front door all the time which is exciting but then I am on the porch!  Sometimes it is really, really cold out there on the porch, but I am sure outside will be warmer.  I will figure all this out and you will all see.  I'm still not sure what alcatraz is but I saw something called escape from alcatraz on Netflix.

I'm not sure what Neftlix is either.

I just want to go outside again, from there I can begin to get back to my original plan.  I will have to tell you more about that later.  I heard them say I could go outside again after I have my tail removed.  I don't know what they mean but I hope it happens soon.  I'm sure that is not too important, especially since I will find a way to escape from alcatraz before then.  I can see the outside from the porch so there must be a way to get there but every time I go towards the outside I bump into this thing (they call it a screen).  So I give up and I go back inside.

Next I stare at the other door and they let me down to the cellar.  I don't know if they realize the cellar has a dirt floor, so I am digging.  I  see a pipe there that makes a noise whenever people poop.  I think that must get to the outside.  It saw something like that also on Netflix.  It's called The Shawshank redemption.  so I dig in the cellar and then I give up so I go back inside and sleep.

Don't tell them I figured out how to watch Netflix, whatever that means.

Cold as a Vortex!?

Man it is really cold out there, on the porch I mean.  I heard some people say something about a vortex.  I don't know what a vortex is or what temperature a vortex is normally, but the porch is real cold!  I think it has turned my turds into rocks.  I really need to find a way to make a sling shot.  Watch out people I'm armed now!

I think I almost left some skid marks on the floor running in from the porch the other night (no pun intended). This must be the coldest winter on record.  Of course my record  is only three winters long.  I am confused about where all this soft white stuff comes from.  How is a cat suppose to walk around on top of it?  I remember one Winter when I kept falling through it and finding myself deep under this fluffy white mess.  There's one thing I don't have to worry about on the porch.

This could be the end of the world, what if it is another ice age!  I want to thank you all for reading my great observances of life but I'm afraid we may be cut short if it doesn't start warming up soon!

Ok  now I'm going to scratch somthing or sleep.  Maybe I should eat first.  I have toys.

My Favorite Toilet

Lately I am staring at the door to the porch and it won't open.  Even if I stare at it for a long time and then meow.  Once it did and when I went out it was really cold so I didn't stay long.  The thing is that the porch is my favorite toilet.

Where am I supposed to poop now!

There is this thing in one room that is like a picture but the picture changes.  Once it looked like some cats but when I ran over to it, I could see that it was a picture because the cats were all flat.  There is some guy on that thing and he helps cats.  He is called Jackson Galaxy.  Maybe he knows about all this crazy nonsense that I have to put up with.  He may be the only person that knows about cats I think.

I was sleeping one day and I had a dream about poop (this is really getting crazy).  When I woke up there was a poop next to me!  I just rolled over and went back to sleep, but when I woke up it was not there.  I think I am losing my mind, but I don't remember.  So I want to go to the porch and dig in the poop box but I don't know where the poop went.  I'm going crazy here.

Surprise!

Well, Merry Christmas!  The other night I jumped up to sleep in my new bed and it flipped over!

There's a guy here who is kind of helpful.  He had some loud thing he used to fix it so now it won't flip me over.  That is why I let him stay here in this house.  He does some helpful things sometimes, but on the other hand he does make me take my medicine.  Sometimes I can trick him and spit it out but then he just makes me take it again.

Here it is though, this is what I was talking about with sleeping:

I don't know why people don't sleep like this, it is the best way, especially if you can flip on your back like this.  You definitely have to have your head inverted to get a good sleep, otherwise it's just a cat nap.  There is nothing like some cat nip and a good cat nap but this is the way to sleep.  Its hard to get a good sleep around here because some of the beds are alive.  

If you lay on the beds and sleep long enough the bed starts moving.  When that happens I need to grab it and bite it so I can survive but once I did that and I got knocked right off the bed!  So far this has not happened with my new bed yet.  I think it is some kind of special bed for cats.  I'm going to go try putting my head upside down on it. 

Merry Christmas

There is this weird thing people do I think it happened once before.  They bring a tree inside the house.  (I'm not kidding.)  Then they put lights on the tree and they hang things all over it and one day there are all kids of boxes under the tree.  

This time I got some thing too and it's great for sleeping, check it out:

Which brings up a whole different thing for me.  What is it with people who have these little beds that they put their heads on when they sleep.  I don't need an extra bed for my head.  I just love to sleep and sleeping is great.  It's a great time to pee.  There is sleep and then there is really great sleep.  That is when you lay down and you invert your head.  People never do that either!  I don't know what is wrong with them.  If you want a tree, go outside and if you want to sleep just flip your head upside-down and go to sleep.  

I don't have all these crazy sleeping devices that people use.  They even found boxes under their inside tree that have blankets in them and the blankets connect to the wall.  It is really weird if you ask me, but if you see one of these you need to try it (they are really warm).  Just don't pee on a blanket that connects to the wall, trust me.  

I'm going back to sleep. 

TGI... meow?

Look, I am a cat, see.

I tried a bunch of times to get this picture.  My paws kept getting in the way, so I had to figure out the self timer on this camera.  I attacked the camera a few times because it kept shooting a light in my eye.  It is afraid of me now.  I kicked it under the desk and it won't come back out.

TGIF, right?  Oh who am I kidding, I just take naps all day every day, but good for you guys it's Friday.  I'm going to have some catnip and go sleep on a blanket.  Ugh, two people are still here, they are really making nap time difficult.  Whose house do they think this is anyway.  I need to get plenty of rest so I can make sure to be up at night.  Night is the  best time to kick noisy things around the house, just you people wait.

pictures

I see all these 'selfie' pictures.  I need to find out how to make one.  The mirrors are so high up.
This is my food:

I can pick from two foods every day!  I still miss digging in the sewer for something to eat though.  After this I had to clean up, the camera fell in the bowl.  I hope I got all the turkey out.  I hate the water here, inside the water is so clear.  Now they put some of these hard round things from the dirt in there and I love it:

I love rocks and dirt.  I was outside  one time and got a bad break on my tail.  Now they don't let me out any more.  They let me go on the porch.  But I am getting better, now I can pee all by myself!  I just pee everywhere now!  Tomorrow I will try a "Selfie".

once I peed on a barbie.

Things I like

I really like that there are birds on my blog, more cats would blog if they knew they could get a bird theme.  I can never seem to reach those things.  I like birds  but they are too high up.  Once a big one came down and grabbed me.  I had to stick my claws into his face.

I like to move quietly through the day and then save my loudest sounds for when it is dark out and the house is very quiet.  The people go upstairs and all take a long nap so I wake them up with meowing or just kicking toys around.

Today I was staring at the door again and I stared at it long enough for someone to come open it, this is how I get to the porch.  When I am going onto the porch I always take my time and then pause when I am half way through the open door but when I am on the porch and the door opens I always run through as fast as I can.  I'm working on the porch exit world speed record.  While on the porch i like to try and distribute my litter evenly throughout the area, especially those big brown pieces of litter.

I love digging in my litter but I am expanding.  Now I like to dig everywhere.  The cellar floor is dirt and that is the best, but I'm still having trouble digging the other floors but I'm going to do it one day.

Mostly I like to sleep and eat but I only like to eat the food that is not in my bowl.  I have to get that kind by staring at the cabinet.

I am going to sleep now.  I do not have time to tell you everything I like.